Voluntary Commitments

It seemed like I couldn't breath. The pressure felt overwhelming. The weight on my shoulders. God please help me handle it. I know its all happening in my head... or is it. All of them had a reason, some good. One ignored. I felt alone. Defeated. Helpless. Literally help-less...

They are meant to be leaders. I understand that sometimes, people are just unavailable, but to know that 5 out of the 7 of us couldn't make it, made me feel terrible. How do you steer a boat when the people who are supposed to be steering it are... having a cup of coffee.

Today, I was supposed to have a meeting, but a good majority of the people who were supposed to attend the meeting, couldn't make it. Maybe I should have checked with them earlier. It was out in the schedule though, they could have said something. I found myself wondering if it was worth it, spending time planning for it. Whether any of this is worth fighting for... I couldn't force them, it is voluntary. Its not work nor their livelihood.

I actually took hours, praying... thinking through how to best encourage them. Thinking through their needs and planning. But it was all for nothing. I feel like screaming.... I had so so soo many other things to do. I worked at it with my heart... Was this what I signed up for? Maybe... But its sucking the "living" life out of me. My gut churned... and I felt unwell... physically...

God help...

I want to believe its gonna get better..

I want to believe you will send people to help...

I want to believe.. I want to believe...

I remember what I read this morning...

"I will give thanks to the Lord because of His righteousness; I will sing the praises of the name of the Lord Most High." Ps 7:17

He is nevertheless... good. He will take care of His people. He will never leave me, neither will He forsake me.

You are my God.

Step By Step

Oh how this song has evolved... Step by step...





Sometimes the night was beautiful
Sometimes the sky was so far away
Sometimes it seemed to stoop so close
You could touch it but your heart would break
Sometimes the morning came too soon
Sometimes the day could be so hot
There was so much work left to do
But so much You'd already done

CHORUS:
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
I will seek You in the morning
And I will learn to walk in Your ways
And step by step You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days

Sometimes I think of Abraham
How one star he saw had been lit for me
He was a stranger in this land
And I am that, no less than he
And on this road to righteousness
Sometimes the climb can be so steep
I may falter in my steps
But never beyond Your reach



May my prayer like incense rise before You
The lifting of my hands as sacrifice
Oh Lord Jesus turn Your eyes upon me
For I know there is mercy in Your sight

Your statutes are my heritage forever
My heart is set on keeping Your decrees
Please still my anxious urge toward rebellion
Let Love keep my will upon its knees

[Chorus]
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You
Oh God, You are my God
And I will ever praise You

[Verse 2]
To all creation I can see a limit
But Your commands are boundless and have none
So Your Word is my joy and meditation
From the rising to the setting of the sun

All Your ways are loving and are faithful
The road is narrow but Your burden light
Because You gladly lean to lead the humble
I shall gladly kneel to leave my pride

~~~

I like the original (first video)... but sometimes we need to learn new ways to praise God using old words... :)

Ambitious Contentment

Had an interesting comment thrown at me recently by a couple of friends over dinner. I didn't know how to react since I thought it was a little strange that they thought that way about me. Nevertheless, I gave my assurances that no offence was taken.

Contentment is when your friends tell you, they have gone to the States and Europe, while you only managed Vietnam and its alright. No matter what they say. Even if its because you don't have the means to do so. God sometimes puts things beyond your reach, and its ok.

I used to be a lot more ambitious... I mean, I go to the swimming pool for a leisure swim and end up sprinting to the end to beat an uncle who couldn't care less. Although it was unintentional, it speaks volumes about my ego and desire to win. I dreamt of building a company so huge, I could topple Microsoft when I was 15! Drats... only Sergey and Larry beat me to it. Ha! And what a simple idea it was...

The fear of losing all of it scares me. I once had a friend who told me that I should not be contented. Otherwise, how else would I seek to better myself, or archive anything at all for that matter. So the challenge is to be contented with a good bias. A bias to let go of things that are not worthwhile pursuing, while pursuing that which is worth my time and energy. Guess it differs for different individuals... It scares me because I'm afraid that I'd let inaction cripple. That I'd find that I don't even have an iota of discontent to spur me.

Is the lack of 'wants' such a good thing after all?

My friends say I lead a very happy life. I agree. I do hope they see Jesus through it all though...

Jerry White, International President Emeritus of The Navigators, said this a couple of weeks back. Life is a buildup of losses. This quote tingles in my mind, for the very reason that it resonates with so many other areas of life.

Ho Chi Minh

Took a short trip to HCM last week! :) Was a relaxing time and I deliberately avoided thinking and talking about anything remotely related to work. Which was quite tough I must say. Sure speaks of how work consumes you over time.. I found myself not knowing what to talk about outside of work sometimes!

Went to the CuChi tunnels and found myself having some fun walking through some dark passages. I wriggled into this hole that was barely enough to fit the width of my shoulders! Ha! Interesting how the tunnels are still useful today... albeit for different reasons... Having experienced the insane effort needed to dig tranches in NS, I'm thoroughly impressed when I saw the depth and size of their underground haven.

Crossing roads in Vietnam is quite humbling. You take mini steps onto the road and try to ignore the oncoming traffic! They don't really have traffic lights except for major intersections... but the motorists surprisingly avoid you as you wade into the middle of the road and carefully stroll to the other side. Quite unlike Singapore where everything operates, like clockwork, by order of dear Mr Traffic Light and unsympathetic horns. It was kinda cool. It was as if I was part of their culture for a moment in time...

Since many Vietnamese rode bikes around... I thought of getting one of their stylish motorbike helmets for keep sake. Haha... they are highly impractical for keeping anyones skulls intact in case of an accident, but are extremely fashionable! Amusing too I must add. They were somewhat like caps, only harder.

I gave up the thought about buying one when I saw this scene...




It was mind blowing.... I would want to buy so many back.. I'd go broke!

Really thank God for the good time immersing myself in a foreign culture and getting to know a bit more about their history. Especially because its together with nice trip mates! :) :)

Perplexing Parallels

The elections are here once again, and interestingly, I still don't get to vote. Not for a lack of opportunity but the fact that I'd be overseas during polling day. Great... now I gotta wait another 4 years for my FIRST chance to get into the ballot cubicle. Wonder how it would feel actually...

The pre-election stuff that people are talking about actually left a sour taste on my taste buds. Low blows... and irrelevant arguments, with the media and online frenzy that accompany every juicy news... Just clouds out the real issues that need to be discussed. I've yet to hear really original captivating arguments or good real world solutions to the issues we are facing... but I digress...

The hype with politics going on right now gave a synonymic sense of identification with what is happening in my life. I felt a heavy sense of responsibility laid on my shoulders today as I took time off to pray and contemplate about how ministry should move forward now that I'm placed in a position of leadership. Shao once told me that sometimes God gives certain people the burden to bear, especially because we are leaders. Who else would give a hoot.. Thinking about that makes me want to let out a sigh...

I worry. Worry for a lack of faithful laborers. Worry that we'd make the wrong choices... Worry that opposition... or perceived opposition would rob the ministry of its joy. Would rob me of my joy. Joy that should be there in the Lord as we serve. Worry that individuals get left out cold in the midst of pragmatic decision making. We are human after all... I, am human after all.

If a 40 year old government, having brought a nation from a fishing village to a cosmopolitan city, faces so much difficulty winning peoples hearts just one generation later. How much more difficult, would it be for a small team of us, led by a young guy with less then a years experience, placed in front of a hundred opinions. Feeling overwhelmed...

I wanted a real faith, a real God. Guess He heard my prayers. I really wanna see how He will work miracles. How He will make things work out. How He will glorify Himself, but man... I feel I'm in over my head for this one. God placed me there, and I'm pretty sure its for some good reason. Hopefully, I can see it when the next election comes around...